Archive for July, 2010

The Uncertain Adventures of Higgs Boson, Part 2

NOTE: Those not familiar with the works of Mr. Boson are strongly encouraged to begin here.

Chapter 2

Higgs Boson, On the Scene

Silhouetted against the oscillating red and blue of the police sirens, I spied the unmistakable form of Inspector Gambit. When the moment was right, he became aware of my presence as well.

“Inspector Benson, when did you get here?”

In reality, I had been here all along, but I am known for being notoriously difficult to detect. My name is Higgs Boson. I stand alone as the only elementary particle in the classic model of physics yet to be observed. By day (and occasionally night), I work as an insurance adjuster, largely because the title is easier to fit on a business card. I had been called to the scene on this particular evening to witness the aftermath of an unexpected inertial opposition. At least, that’s what it would say on the books.

“What does it look like to you, Inspector Benson?”

“What we have here, Inspector Gambit, is the result of a particularly nasty particle collision.”

The esteemed Mr. Gambit eyed me suspiciously.

“Car accident…”

“Indeed. Head-on. Kind of odd… quiet night, and on a one way street. What of the vehicles’ occupants?”

“No passengers, only the two drivers. Both unconscious, but here’s the odd thing… according to the paramedics, both seem to have been unconscious before the accident. And not only that, but one of the officers to respond said this is the third incident of this type this month. It appears that this may be related to some sort of crime wave. I don’t know if we cover against acts of organized crime, inspector.”

“Crime wave… wave. Interesting. These vehicles certainly did not behave as a wave. Nor would one expect them to. But in an unobserved state… Inspector Gambit, were there any witnesses?”

I knelt by the curb and began to examine the fragmented bits or wreckage.

“No. None so far.”

“Who reported it then?”

“A woman. She was on foot… she came up on the scene after wards.”

“Fascinating. Inspector Gambit, let us examine the various quarks–” I paused momentarily– “pardon me, quirks, of this… mishap. A deserted road. Both victims as yet unaware of their situation, and no direct witnesses. You know, a witness can have a great affect on the outcome.”

“Tell me about it. A credible testimony can cut a settlement down to a fraction of what it would have been.”

I paused, thankful that the brim of my fedora likely prevented my much taller colleague from observing my eyes rolling.
I briefly considered giving in to temptation—I could casually dismiss my colleague, find the information I was after, and stealthily find myself back in my office before you could say “ununnilium.” But, if there’s one thing that one must learn quickly in my line—it’s that convention must be observed. Much like electricians drawing current flowing from positive to negative, despite the opposite being true, I must play by the rules of my assumed profession.

“It occurs to me, Inspector Gambit, that this situation is rather improbable.”

“You’re telling me.”

“I believe,” I continued, “that under slightly different circumstances, this whole incident may well have been avoided. There are many ways these two bodies may have passed by… or through each other.”

“You mean the cars?”

“Yes, the cars. But they didn’t behave that way. No, they met alright, and they left pieces behind for us to study.”

“Yeah, that hubcap alone’s gotta be a couple hundred…”

“Strange that after such careful planning, designed specifically so that no one could witness the event, ended in exactly the most probable state that is empirically verifiable.” The beauty, the complexity… I had confirmed to myself my initial

“Are you saying you find it odd that two cars headed towards each other with no one currently driving them… managed to crash?”

“More than you know. Did you happen to get that woman’s phone number from the police?”

Inspector Gambit chuckled at me. “I’m sure you don’t mean to make light of the situation-”

I had lost patience with this man’s well intentioned ignorance. I give mass to all matter in the universe. I’m also quite rotund myself… described as a “massive particle” by those who know me best. Or think they do. “I never make light of the situation, Inspector. Her phone number, please.”

Hesitating, the professor produced from his coat a small pad, from which he ripped the top sheet of paper.

“The police already took her statement. I don’t know what you think you’re gonna get.”

“The truth, Inspector. This woman did witness the scene. And I’m sure she has quite a story to tell, though she may not realize it…”

I was gone before the well-meaning Inspector Gambit had time to study my motivations closely. I found myself at a nearby convenience store, using their one remaining operational pay phone. I heard a soft click as the line was answered.

“What’ve you got, Higgs?”

“Tauon, I’ve got a name for you to run. I need everything you can find on a Ms. Geneva Cern.”

“I’ll get on it first thing, Higgs.”

“Sorry Tauon, this is going to be a late night. I’ll be by with coffee and Bucky Balls… this can’t wait, she may be in danger.”

“Is it really that bad?”

“Oh yes. This is the work of Graviton.”

To be continued…

About the particle: When not evading detection deep beneath Scandinavian metropolises, Higgs Boson can be found reading National Geographic, collecting rare cigars, and taking frequent short trips back in time.

About the author: Strafe maintains a high number of online contacts, especially considering the fact that he exclusively identifies himself through a pseudonym. He is a music enthusiast with a casual interest in misanthropy. He met Mr. Boson 2003 and has since been entrusted with bookkeeping duties and other light clerical work.

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Lady Guacamole

Sometimes imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Other times it’s someone’s way of saying something is so bad, you’ve just got to make fun of it.

And occasionally it makes fun of itself.

This is the second. By the way, if anyone out there has either a reasonable popstar voice, or a copy of Autotune, I will totally make a MIDI of the song and put it on YouTube… it’s worth at least a million hits.

And in case the reader is unaware of this particular pop-piece, a) I am jealous, and b) it’s Lady Gaga’s “Alejandro,” altered so that even I could potentially enjoy it. I fear that actually mentioning Lady Gaga by name in this blog (see? I just did it again!) might get me some Google traffic… then again, said visitors will be rather disappointed.

Lady Guacamole – Filibertos

Spoken:
I know that they are cheap
And I know that you have coupons
But I just can’t believe I’m desperate enough for
Filibertos

He’s got both eyes
On the menu
Cashier won’t look at you (won’t look at you)
She texts something
A su novio
Then she says something that sounds like
“Qué for you?”

I can’t understand the staff
Straight from Mexico
(Olé!)
I’m next in line I’ve gotta choose
Nothing to lose

The combo plate! (The combo plate!)
Filibertos!
They’re open late (They’re open late)
Menudo
Don’t wanna drink
Don’t touch the stuff
Just roll my burrito and rush
The combo plates
All taste the same
Asado

Filibertos, Filibertos
Fili-fili-bertos, Fili-filabertos

Spoken:
Ouch!
Oh, what have I done?
filibertos
What have I done!

Chips are golden
Their cheese is tasty
But their beef tastes like a cat
(Just like a cat)
And are those flames that
Shoot from his nostrils…
Now he’s gotta chug horchata
To cool the burn

Two beef tacos, melted cheese
Hot like Tobasco
Burro…
Eyes are burning, tongue is bruised
I’m feeling loose

The combo plate! (The combo plate!)
Filibertos!
They’re open late (They’re open late)
Chorizo
Next to the beans,
What’s in the rice?
Is that a cigarette? Yikes!
I’m so ashamed, I ever came
Pendejo

Filibertos, Filibertos
Fili-fili-bertos, Fili-filabertos

The end of me (The end of me)
Filibertos
My eyes are glazed, Don’t know my name
(Qué me llamo…)
What will they make, Of my remains?
(Adobada)
I can’t get up, I’m giving up
(Muriendo)

The combo plate! (The combo plate!)
Filibertos!
They’re open late (They’re open late)
Menudo
Don’t wanna drink
Don’t touch the stuff
Just roll my burrito and rush
The combo plates
All taste the same
Asado

Filibertos, Filibertos

Fili-filibertos, Fili-filibertos